Dry January called off early

There she is. Mummy's special grape juice. Not long now!

We have just had word that Dry January has ended early.

A spokesperson said "We're sorry. We forgot this was a five weekend month. Everybody's been very well-behaved but if we don't call it quits now, things could get out of hand."

Faye Cotter, who hasn't touched a drop since 1 Jan, told this blog: "Thank f*** for that. Honestly. I had no idea how horrible it was going to be. Four weeks is enough, isn't it? Good. We've proved something. Now, who wants a pint?"

Although landlords had been looking forward to the boost in trade on 1 Feb, a spokesperson agreed it just didn't seem right.

"Ending on a Monday was shaping up to be a real test for dry drinkers. Go on a bender at the beginning of the week and admit you probably do have a problem? Or try to hold out for another four days? Far better to finish Dry January on a Friday night so Britain's alcohol dependents can kid themselves they're just choosing to put a bottle or two away in celebration."